Getting Old

I joke constantly that I am old or getting old. I just celebrated my 20th birthday. Wow. I feel old. LoL. In all reality, 20 is not old. It's quite young, actually. I have purpose in my funny expressions, though. All I have to do is look around my church and "man! i'm old!" I see kids I taught or held as babies and preschoolers that are beginning their teenage years! What is this world coming to? LoL. It's amazing to think that people I was friends with or was associated with now have three year old kids. Time is an amazing thing. I also look down and see my brother who is only five years younger than me getting to drive and thinking logically. Wow. I can look back and start saying, "When I was a kid..." It amazes me. It makes me laugh. It makes me say things like I'm old when really I'm only 20. I love it. Now, although I can look and see all these people and events and say I'm old, I can also look ahead and say- "I'm young!" In reality, there is so much more I haven't been through. There are more lessons to learn, more kids to see grow up, more experiences to go through, and more heartache to face. I may have already experienced alot but it's not over. There is so much more. I am in fact just getting older. There are people that look at me and think I am dumb because they have been through so much more. I think I'm old now- let's look back in 20 more years and see what I think then. LoL. I love getting older. I love being "old" and look forward to getting to be "old."

Storms

Storms are all different. Some are sudden, some are short, some are long, and some are barelyrecognizable. You can have multiple storms at thesame time. Anything can be a storm to you. Confused?I'm not talking about weather storms. I'm talking about "Christian" storms. These are the times where a Christian's faith and loyalty are tested. I hate storms. More than the storm itself, I hate when I fail. I'm going through a couple of storms right now, but one is about to be my undoing. It's a five-year storm. I don't care anymore it seems. I'm tired of rollar coasters. I want to be right with God at all times. Thing is- this is impossible. My storm is helping drives these ideas along to where- i'm in Bible college, but there's no benefit. I'm not letting it benefit me. I came here to grow. I'm not. I want to be a good Christian- on my way to heaven, witnessing, doing right, and training to lead others. I'm so far from that. I know I'm a Christian. The Bible says, "Whosoever shall call upon the name ofthe Lord, shall be saved." I've done that. Thoughmy actions cause doubt- I've called, therefore I'm saved. Next problem- I don't feel saved. I know I love because I couldn't not love him and hate disappointing him. It wouldn't make sense. Just likeI hate hurting Matt because I love him. My idea is I hate hurting and I hate hurting him. I don't deserve his help and even if he does help me and I change it won't be for long- what is the point? My error- it is worse to be at odds with him my whole life than slipping up every once in a while. At the end, if I am at odds then I've done nothing for him with right motivations. If I strive to do right, and slip up- I'm just human. I need to get right with my Lord. I need to strive to serve him. Until I'm right with him, my storm will just get worse. I will continue to fail, continue to hurt, and continue to hurt others. Storms are torture, but a life apart from Him is far worse.

"I was sure by now God you would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rollsI barely hear Your whisper through the rain“I’m with you” And as You mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away
I’ll praise You in this storm And I will life my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry You raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can’t find You
As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain“I’m with you” And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth" (Praise You in this Storm- Casting Crowns)